Father's Day has arrived. It has been a day of reflection, so far. I haven't did much of what I had planned but I had time to just look around to see just what 'I' am a part of. The realization slowly fell on me this morning as I was asking 'Who left scissors on the couch?'. I know who did it. I consider it a part of my wide array of father skills... and this one in particular is the honing specialty. My daughter came to the couch with a pouty look and fought mumbling under her breath (because who really enjoys being in the wrong...really?). She picked up the scissors and placed them in a different area. i gave her a mini lecture which sounded about the same as it always did. That's when the relization fully hit me. At that moment...
For most of my life, I have been fighting the norm, a routine. For the longest time, I have did my best to avoid routine because I dreaded the responsibility and the time it took to find one that works. When I became a father, it was an inner struggle... When I became a full fledged step-father, it became a war within. It was the immature resistance that fought against a routine. I recall a moment when I came home a few years back. after being out with my step father, bar hopping our livers into a crippled state. It was 4 o'clock in the morning on a Saturday and it wasn't a normal thing for me to do... so antics were bound to follow. I decided that 4 in the morning was a great time to cook warm up bacon cheeseburgers and hotdogs. But that wasn't good enough. I decided to make a monster sandwich while stumbling around the kitchen (attempting to stay as quiet as possible). My 5 year old (at the time) walked into the kitchen and stood directly behing me. I turned around, guilty that he caught me under the influence of alcohol.
"Hey, Buddy," was all I managed to get out. I asked him why was he up and directly behind me.
His response was that he was there to watch me and "make sure I don't get into trouble". That was a slap to the face and a knee to the midsection. It took the air out of me and brought tears to my eyes.
Jump forward to this morning... I found myself caught in a routine. It wasn't so much telling her this for the second time, it was more of the fact that this was an example. It was a part of the routine. As sporadic as I think it is at times, it is not. That's just the fib I tell myself. The truth is that I am in a routine and I am comfortable and happy. Being a father of five is a challenge. The role of a step father is tough but the truth is that they are mine. Parts of my personality can be seen in each of them. Their brashness reminds me of my toughness, while growing up. Their kinship to their siblings reminds me of my heart when it came to my brother. I may be considered the leader, but I'd be staring at a dead end if it was not for them. For my children, I love you dearly.
As a side note, it is Father's Day and I wish an awesome one to all Fathers who have paved the way to their sons for a role that has it's own hardships. Also, Father figures deserve a round (of applause...) because it's a tough role to step into when the label 'father' doesn't seem to fit. This also goes for the mothers who have to take on the role.
Side, Side note... for the (lack of fathers)... These people know who they are... and don't ever believe that 'it's never too late' because if you wait around without participating in a child's life... it will be. The lack of participation in a child's life is about as useful as all these periods ... ... ... that I'm randomly laying around this blog ... ... ...
Until next time,
MP
Thank you for reading.
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